Grumpy Man Takes the Piss Out of Tuxedo Mask's 99 Life Hacks

Some back-story:

1. I hate link-bait crap posts.
2. Several of my friends reposted the same "99 Life Hacks" crap post in rapid succession.
3. I am on vacation and, in fact, have time on my hands and nothing more pressing to do.

It starts like this:

Jesus Christ. I think I had minor stroke reading those and realizing how little practical "common" sense most people must have. Now I want to run through the street with a cricket bat because the zombie apocalypse is clearly already upon us. Seriously. I want to hurt people after reading that.

To which my friend replied: "Did you know all of those tricks already? I only knew a few..."

And then I got rolling... [presented here with the numbering and a few of the typos corrected. Click the photo icon to see the "hack" in question... all of them are at the bottom.]

1. Nothing could possibly go wrong with this. How about pulling the head off a hand-shower hose. Or stick the damn bucket in the tub. *headdesk*
2. Use a penny. A dime. A butter knife. Don't be so prissy about your nails. Give it to someone one who isn't prissy about their nails. Who the fuck has a staple remover?
3. You are too OCD to paint. Hire a professional.
4. That's why it is called walnut stain. It's made from walnuts.
5. No one this OCD would be caught dead using last year's wrapping paper. Save the paper? Put a scrap of paper around it and tape that.
6. Your kids are stupid and you shouldn't have bred. Evolution in action. Fuck off.
7. Only someone insane has this many cleaning supplies. Keep them from your kids? You kids are stupid and you shouldn't have bred. Evolution in action. Fuck off.
8. Scissors. Remember those? They work
9. Don't wear thongs. They're hideous. If I ever see someone wearing worn-out hideous thongs held together with bread clips, I will hit them in the head with a cricket bat. Immediately. Without mercy.
10. Dear God. Just go through a car wash, you lunatic OCD freak. Or use dish detergent. It's designed to break up grease. And it is a fuck of a lot cheaper than toothpaste. But you are cleaning a car that probably costs more than I make in a year with a toothbrush, so go nuts.
11. Hands. Or maybe you shouldn't be washing your $80,000 car with toothpaste if you can't afford a fucking trowel.
12. Keep your money in your shoe. Oh right, you are wearing crappy thongs held together with bread clips. You have no shoes or money. Put your keys in your pocket. Or attach them to that fugly key ring holding up your fly (#45.)
13. Different. Shaped. Keys. Or tape. ...you OCD lunatic.
14. Try putting that "hooky" part from one hanger around the straight part on the other one. What the flying fuck are those pull tabs doing for you?
15. Wait? Why? WHY?
16. Rub it with your hand while you are taking a fucking shower.
17. OK, this is marginally clever. Personally I've always taken a flashlight and held it against the floor, parallel to the floor and looked for the shadow. It's a lot quieter.
18. Really? You can't untie a knot? Alexander's Empire is safe. Stay out of Gordium.
19. How about ripping up that cardboard box? Or maybe some of that dry grass. No? OK, burn your food. That's clever. Yup.
20. Or maybe use the jars the fucking condiments come in. Auugh.
21. No. Cellophane. No one thinks you're clever for putting your lunch in a CD case. They think you are fucking OCD.
22. Use the right size pot and learn to cook.
23. O.C.D. No one does this. No one cares enough to do this. It's a fucking sandwich. It's whole purpose in life it to be quick to make and quick to eat. Quit fucking around with your food.
24. Call the pizza place and they'll bring it you in an insulated bag so you don't have to sweat like a pig and stink up your $80,000 car you clean with a fucking toothbrush with sweat and pizza.
25. For Christ's sake, you can't even boil water.
26. Because cleaning out that ketchup bottle will be a snap and everyone makes perfectly lump-free pancake batter. How's that water-boiling going? BTW heard of a measuring cup or a sauce pan? They have spouts. For pouring. [addition: How do you pour it into the ketchup bottle without making a mess? Do that into the pan directly. MIRACLES]
27. She really has a fetish for using dental hygiene products inappropriately. And a serious case of OCD. This side of catering some crazy shinding full of OCD Asian chicks with $80,000 cars that smell like minty pizza sweat, what the hell is wrong with a knife?
28. Pour the can in a glass. Or drink out of the can. Don't use a straw. Who the hell cares?
29. How's that water boiling going again? Spend less money on your car and go to the fucking pub. [addition: but now you have some lovely kindling (#19.)]
30. O.M.G. I have cookie and milk on my fingers. Call an ambulance. Or get me a cricket bat.
31. Put a box on the coffee table. Put the remotes in it. I R LEIFHAKR.
32. "Hey lady, give me your purse and no one gets hurt. Oh. There's chapstick in here. Here, you can keep that."
33. How much toilet paper does she use? I guess she used up all her rubber bands painting.
34. Fold the end of the tape over.
35. Put things in the same place every time and voila, they are there when they want them. Don't do that and all the velcro in the world won't help.
36. Semi-clever, I admit. Packing the right charger: more clever.
37. I think I figured this out for myself when I was 2.
38. Crazy fun fact. The average wallet is cleverly designed to hold cheques. And fun fact: no one gives a fuck if a cheque has a crease in it you OCD lunatic.
39. This is true. I learned this the first time I went to a bar. When I was 12.
40. Flat things fit in flat slots. HOLY SHIT. AMAZEBALLS. (BTW, what if you are in England and the plugs are round WHAT THEN? WHAT THEN?)
41. Has anyone every really had this problem? Was it ever a big enough deal to pull out the power tools?
42. What in the name of the divinity of your choice is the context that needs this solution? Camping without a lantern? Or any way to recharge you phone? Not so clever now is it?
43. Say it with me. E L E V A T O R. But hey she spent all her money on the minty pizza sweat car so I'll buy the 5-storey walk-up. How about buying just a few groceries every day on the way home from work so she doesn't have to carry 50 lbs of groceries all at once.
44. Not even going to start with this one. I run my own mail server.
45. And rope makes a stylish belt. Who is this person? She's got pants held up with a fugly keyring and thongs held together with bread clips and a car she cleans with a toothbrush. No. Stay away, crazy lady. I'm afraid you might try to eat my face. Get any closer and I *will* hit you with this cricket bat.
46. Because no one will ever guess my middle name is René. And English is the only language on the planet. "Use Icelandic words written in Elder Futhark as your password, no one will guess."
47. I guess she ran out of bread clips.
48. I actually have a cable at work held like this. The thought process went like this: "Fuck. I disconnect and reconnect this cable all the time and it is a pain in the ass. Where is the tape? Fuck. I have to walk across the office to get it. Oh, look. I have this clip on my desk. Fuck it, I'll use that." I R LIEFHAKR>
49. Yup done that. There is also the ever clever put-it-on-your-lap.
50. Hrm. Haul out the vacuum and hack up a ketchup bottle or turn the keyboard over and shake it... Or, if I'm at work, use the can of compressed air that is always on my desk.
51. Yeah, that'll work. Does she have a cat? I think not.
52. Electrical tape comes in a variety of colours. So does duct tape. And now that you have colour coded all the cables, do you remember what the colours mean. Are the connectors all the same? No? How about looking at the connector before jamming it into something?
53. Something unusual? Like wiggling the handle to make sure the door is locked?
54. How many years has it been since ANYBODY made a microwave without a rotating base?
55. Folding paper to make an envelope in a pinch. I R LIEFHAKR!1!

5.

56. I prefer rolling up a piece of paper into a tight tube. It doesn't stink of burning spaghetti, but hey, she uses natchos for kindling so I'm not surprised.
57. Reheat you pizza in the fucking oven. Or a toaster oven. Ever seen "Innocent Blood"?
58. Never mind the three OCD hours your will spend actually getting the spring onto the wire and the fact that it won't stay where you put with out tape. Skip the spring and just use tape. Use coloured tape even, and you have #52 covered.
59. Because every day, I stop what I am doing, look over at the balcony and think, "Gee, is that locked? Someone might suddenly leap up three floors and steal my chapstick tube full of money, but I am too lazy to walk over and check."
60. This is a good idea. I learned in when I was about 4.
61. Because you can't get out of that stinking minty sweat pizza car fast enough and you've got the leftover pool noodles now that your retarded children have died from flinging themselves to their death off their beds anyway. Take the fucking bus.
62. Unless the studs are made of, oh, say, WOOD.
63. Because I hate it when the water I've poured through ground coffee beans gets water in it.
64. How, exactly, did this person GET a driver's license? I can read road signs I R LIEFHAKR!!!#
65. Because those three kernels at the bottom of the bowl are a social faux pax that will make a pariah of you forever and no one will ever, ever, come to eat your dental-floss cake.
66. Because remembering is impossible and writing is hard. Just don't lose your phone or forget your password in Elder Futhark. [addition: And if my friends were that ugly, I wouldn't want to take their pictures. "Drag a sharp blade across your face to remove hideous facial hair": It's a "lifehack."]
67. Fuck headphones. Annoy everyone around with the with your literally crappy speaker!
68. But where do you put the cupcake tray full of condiments?
69. I have a very nice phone and I am clearly a tourist. Please don't steal my chapstick. And who has the "very low English skills", you or the country? Remember kids, writing is hard. Just take picture.
70. I've been wearing glasses since I was three. I figured this one out a while ago.
71. Decorate your house with fugly hacked-up tennis balls! They go great with the remote controls velcroed to random things!
72. Don't do this to fresh corn. I will hit you with a cricket bat if you do. But then again, this is advice from the person who can't boil water and uses food for kindling.
73. Because there's ALWAYS a manky shoe handy... unless you wear fugly, crappy old thongs held together with bread clips.
74. I learned to hammer nails when I was 4. The last time I recall hitting my finger with a hammer I think I was 6
    
    And now for the exciting conclusion...
     
75. I concede this one. It is clever. Next time I feel like overcomplicating a sandwich I'll be all over this.
76. This is also resonably clever. So are those ice packs I have in the freezer.
77. I guess you have to do something since your cupcake tray is full of ketchup and mustard. (#20)
78. Because you don't have a mapping app on that phone full pictures of your ugly friend who don't return things (#66) and you can't read road signs (#64.) And I have noticed in my travels that pizza delivery places are much easier to come by than gas stations and they always have convenient parking.
79. This will totally work. Cats always do what you expect them to do.
80. You work somewhere too cheap to replace broken keyboards and you have an abundance of paper clips left over from your cable management endeavors.
81. Only an OCD freakasaur who cuts her cake with dental floss would do this. Pinch the stem off with your fucking fingers.
82. Either you have an absurd amount of rolling luggage or a pathetic library. In the past I have used banker's boxes. They have handles and are just the right size to hold paper without being too heavy and they stack nicely on a dolly.
83. I've been using computers since 1976. The number of times I have accidently shut one down: 0. And, BTW, after you hit shutdown and the desktop disappears and the "Windows in shutting down" screen comes up, you aren't going to be clicking anything.
84. Maybe you should have left your retarded child in here for a bit longer since it needs a pool noodle to stay in the bed (#6.)
85. Personally I use two different coloured foamies.
86. For those two stupid to use the mute feature on their phone and too text-addicted to turn the fucking thing off.
87. Keep this near your candles. I find leaving the unused pasta in the fucking box it came in really fucking effective.
88. Well, you have to do something with the cupcake cups since your cupcake tray is full of mustard (#20) and you are making your cupcakes in your coffee mugs (#77) and you are too OCD to touch a cookie (#30.)
89. Because you have destroyed all you clothes-pegs with a hammer (#74) and have no rubber bands (#3) or bread clips (#'s 9, 34, 92) left.
90. This one has some minor merits for a classroom.
91. I learned this one from my dad when I was 8 when we got an electric lawnmower and it was suddenly my job to mow the lawn.
92. Fucking bread clip fetish. Try masking tape folded in half over the cable. It will actually stay on.
93. Ran out of coffee cups (#77) and your cupcake tray is full of mustard (#20) and you have children too retarded to eat a cupcake and sleep without hurting themselves (#6.)
94. I thought we were using clothes-pegs for this. Also, if you are to inept to hammer a nail without hitting your fingers, this won't help.
95. What the hell is wrong with having a whiteboard or a pad of paper on the front of the fridge where you write things down for a shopping list. Oh right, remembering is impossible and writing is hard (#66) and I guess your ugly friends not only borrow stuff without returning it along with breate your for unpopped kernels (#65) raid your fridge without telling your so you don't know what's in it.
96. Yup. Rocket science. Been doing this for decades. DECADES.
97. Newsflash. Put your beverage in the freezer for 15 minutes without a wet paper towel around it and in 15 minutes it will be almost completely cold and won't have a half-frozen wet paper towel around it.
98. It comes before 99
99. There is no 99. There are only 97 life-hacks. Counting is as hard as writing shit down. Just take a picture.