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Turkey Unpardons Turkey


By Jen "Gobble Gobble" Gardner


Nov 28, 2003, 08:30

In a move that stunned most of the nation, President Bush retracted the Presidential Pardon granted yesterday to Stars, the Turkey. The pardon was issued null and void on the suspicion that Stars is a covert Al Qaeda operative. The Department of Homeland Security believes Stars was relaying important American intelligence to Osama Bin Laden himself through a series of coded garbles communicated during yesterday’s Rose Garden Ceremony.

Former Runner Up, Stripes, displays his gratitude

The Presidential reprieve was given to the alternate Turkey, Stripes, who thanked the President in his own special way. Meanwhile Stars, tipped off by Robert Novak, fled authorities when word when the warrant for his arrest was issued.

CIA and Homeland Security officials would not release translations of Stars’s messages, nor would they comment on the degree of confidentiality of those messages. But experts believe his garbles were timed appropriately enough to arouse a special investigation of the turkey’s personal history. Glossy News linguists analyzed the bird’s garbles and found them to reveal top American secrets, such as the next winner of both Survivor and American Idol. Also, they said mentioned something about Nixon’s Watergate tapes, but that hardly seems important.

As permitted by the USA Patriot Act, Stars’s past library and video rentals became part of the public record and potential future evidence against the bird. Inside sources at the FBI report that Stars had recently checked out books that may implicate him as a terrorist sympathizer, the most notable being Al Franken’s “Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them.”

Less incriminating on a treasonous level, but still reprehensible is Stars’s taste in movies. According to Blockbuster, the bird in question not only rented pornos, among them the tasteless Cockadile Dundee, but often returned them late with a questionable sticky substance on the boxes. The substance in question is now being tested as a possible chemical weapon.

If caught, Stars will be shipped to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba where he will be held indefinitely without due process or the right to counsel. But it could be worse, many political pundits insist. He very easily could have already been carved up for Thanksgiving dinner. As it is now, he’s an international fugitive, on the fly.