So. Anyway...

...This "sense of belonging" thing that Trish nailed. It was very astute of her. All this angst was/is about finding a place for myself, as myself. There is the part of me that fits in at Sanctuary and Sin City. That part is good, but I'm feeling more than a little dependent on it right now because the rest of everything is just so unfocused and undetermined. Things have been good with Ivana, but she can be quite reserved about expressing her emotions and when she is down I get neurotic about where I stand with her. Throw my own depression in on that and it ends up being a negative feedback loop. And of course I have been in Limbo about work since the trip. I didn't even know what city I was going to be living in. And so thinking that I may have to move has made me uncomfortable in my own aparment - "do I start the new painting or pack up the easel to move?" sort of thing. I've been unable to focus on the work I do have for similar reasons because it was a matter of do I take on new requests for services when I might have to down the server for a week or more to move? Do I take on new work from clients I might not be able to service? Then the one thing that I does give me that sense of belonging I end up feeling guilty about. I'm getting too old to have a nightclub be the focal point in my life. And I found myself enjoying Toronto and NYC too much. I felt myself quite comfortable in Toronto and even moreso in Manhattan so I start questioning even my physical sense of place. "Do I even belong here?" I ask myself where once I defined myself as being a Vancouver Islander. Throw everything together in the same bowl and set to "purée" and you have a recipie for depression.

So, what to do? Getting this job will be one big step in the right direction.