Things are abnormally normal

The big toe on my right foot

Why exactly should my toe-nails be a catalyst for such a thought? A few months ago I noticed a distinct groove in the nails of my big toes where the nail is quite noticably thinner. Like rings in a tree this thin band represents a considerable amount of stress. The band marked in red was caused, I believe, by my horrible last weeks in North Van when I was living in the basement and skulking in and out of the house. The lesser band somewhat behind it would then be the result of the stress from the fire. I've been watching these bands grow out and as I do so reflecting on how much things have improved in my life.

For the first time in years I'm comfortable with my job, my home, and the wonderful person I am with.

The last time I was really this comfortable and happy with my home was the first few months in the studio I had in Gastown. It was in that studio that I first got Tharsis. Just in the last couple of weeks we have fully reestablished the little rituals we used to have in that studio. It, like the toe-nail, is a stupid, insignificant thing, but I take comfort in these small things. Tharsis annoying me for his morning "minouche" while I am making coffee, having greet me at the door when I get home from work, sitting on the monitor when I am at the computer (he's there now), and sleeping on the bed at night. Small things, but important. And this old building, this apartment, it's comfortable. There was a place in Kits that I lived for six years when I first came to Vancouver. It was has been the yardstick by which I have measured the "hominess" of my homes since. The studio in Gastown measured up. This place now though... this place may just set a new standard.

Then, of course, there is Elaine. I couldn't imagine a more perfect relationship. Again, it is all in the little things. A couple of those little things today included her recognizing a wholly obscure song on a tape I made in 1987 that I was playing today and going to visit our friends - not "her friends", not "my friends", but genuinely "our" friends.

Another weight lifting is the money problems I accumulated over the past couple of years. Yesterday there was a cheque in the mailbox from a long-overdue invoice, which now assures that we are going to have adequite spending money in New York. This time I will have a job to come back to. In fact I have a great job. There is still a way to go before I am completely out of my old hole and entirely comfortable about my money situation, but the light at the end of the tunnel is finally visable.

Going to New York again is going to be cathartic. So many things happened between my last trip and this one that I want to put behind me. This trip is a milestone, a turning point. That I've pulled it together, that Elaine not only wants to come along, but understands exactly what the appeal of the city is and shared the feeling. We like the same things and want the same things. For the first time ever I'm with someone where nothing is a compromise. When we are back, we'll come back together to our wonderful apartment, the past behind us and ready to tackle new challenges with a new vigour.

So there you have it: a reflection on inner peace and happiness brought to you by my big toe.