Horrible Thought

What if this whole "white picket fence" thing is a means of avoiding being an artist? It could be a subconscious subversion, a means of preventing failure by preventing myself from even trying. As long as there isn't enough money or time, or I otherwise subvert my work (crappy workspace, what have you) I'm exhonorated from going anywhere with it all.

All along I've always come up with excuses for not showing, not producing more. Am I that afraid of failure? Only in a few brief periods have I let myself remove some of the obstacles and at those times I've been happier. There was the point where I first moved to Railtown Studios, when I have my solo show - that was a blast. There was last summer when I was working at the bank and temporarily dumped by Ivana where I was churning out paintings which I showed at the Gothique Art Show II.

I really have to think about this. What do I want? What am I afraid of?

Oringinal post: http://mbarrick.livejournal.com/272939.html