How about some history of American foreign policy and millitary glory written from the same sort of stance as the "French military defeats" page that's going around lately:
Revolutionary War: The 13 colonies unilaterally declare their own independence in 1776. George "I never told a lie" Washington commits high treason and breaks his oath to serve the "Sovereign of England and His Rightful Successors" and tries to secure Manhattan in order to control the most important waterway in the colonies, the Hudson River, and fails miserably. The British turn Manhattan into the largest military garrison in history. The colonists resort to small battles and cheap shots in the hopes of eventually annoying the British into leaving. The British create a naval blockade that isolates the colonies from the rest of the planet and the colonists are powerless to beach blockade without French naval assistance. Thirteen years later (1789) the British decide the American colonies are too much of a pain in the ass to keep wasting money on and allow then to succeed.
War of 1812: The Americans decide they want to annoy the British into giving up more territory and try to invade Canada. The British set up another naval blockade, but this time France won't help. The Americans manage to take Toronto, but eventually the war ends with the forces of British North America (i.e. Canada) forcing the Americans back and burning Washington to the ground (hey... wasn't 9/11 the first attack on American soil?). The Americans greatest victory in the war comes in 1814 at New Orleans, unfortunately the battle takes place after the war is over and Washington has already been burned.
The Mexican War: The US annexes the independent state of Texas and tries to buy California. Mexico refuses to sell and disputes the exact location of the Texas border, so the US invades. Mexico tries to defend their territory and President Polk tells Congress that "Mexico has passed the boundary of the United States and shed American blood on American soil." (hey... wasn't 9/11 the first attack on American soil?)
The Civil War: The Americans fight amongst themselves.
The Spanish-American War: Cuba attempts to declare independence from Spain. American interests (i.e. money) is at risk so America invades. War with Spain is used an excuse to also invade Puerto Rico and the Philippines, and annex Hawaii. Control of the Cuban army is given to former Spanish officers and Cuba is "liberated" under the condition that the U.S. have the unconditional right to interfere in internal Cuban affairs and be granted perpetual rights to coaling station at Guantanamo Bay (100 years ago it was about coal, not oil). Celebrities and intellectuals like Mark Twain decry the discrepancies between American "benevolent" foreign policy and its brutal results.
World War I: The U.S. refuses to get involved until the war is nearly over, in 1917. Everybody else has been at it since 1914 and harshly criticizing the U.S. for not helping. Only when American trade ships start getting sunk by the Germans does Woodrow Wilson start whining about the violation of international law and the oppression of the German people under their evil, Imperialist (never mind all America's Imperialism to date, including the systematic genocide of the "savages" who happened to be in the way of Manifest Destiny) government. So, imperialism being bad and all, they side with the British Empire and take on a predominately supply and mop-up role while Britain uses stalwart Australians and Canadians for the most difficult battles (like Ypres, where the only forces *not* to try and retreat from the chlorine gas and die were the Canadians).
World War II: Again the U.S. waits over two years before joining the war until Japan bombs the living crap out of their navy (hey... wasn't 9/11 was the first attack on American soil?). Japan also takes several of the Aleutian Islands (hey... wasn't 9/11 the first attack on American soil?). The U.S., representing half a continent manages to do reasonably well against a small island nation, but eventually resorts to WMD and the killing of hundreds of thousands of civilians to "win". Like the other island they conquered (Cuba) they demand an unconditional right to meddle. Meanwhile, in Europe, they take on a predominately supply and mop-up role while Britain uses stalwart Australians and Canadians for the most difficult battles.
Amendment: The Japanese also bombed Oregon using a submarine-carried scout plane (hey... wasn't 9/11 the first attack on American soil?) and sent appoximately 9,000 balloon bombs over the continental U.S., one of which killed a woman and five children (hey... wasn't 9/11 the first attack on American soil?).
The Korean War: Not really a war. Not really over. Hey, doesn't North Korea have WMD?
The Vietnam War: The U.S. attempts to "liberate" the Vietnamese from communist oppression, while the Vietnamese are leveraging Chinese support to liberate themselves from colonial oppression by the French. Big mess. Neither China nor the U.S. wants to take eachother on directly. The Vietnamese resort to using the exact same small battles and cheap shots tactics against the Americans that the Americans used against the British. They are equally effective. Eventually the American's withdraw because it just isn't worth the effort. Celebrities and intellectuals decry the discrepancies between American "benevolent" foreign policy and its brutal results.
Grenada: America boldly conquers another island.
The Gulf War: The absolute monarchy of Kuwait starts surreptitiously side-drilling into Iraq and sucking Iraqi oil out from underneath them. Then Iraq, whose (albeit corrupt and brutal) government was elected (albeit through fixed elections), tells Kuwait to stop it or they will come in and burn their wells. Kuwait doesn't stop it. So, President Bush Sr. (who just happened to be the director of the CIA at the point where that the Iraqi election was being fixed, the reason for the fix going back to the fall of the Shah and a desire to pit a "moderate" Iraq against a intensely conservative Iran) hurried in to liberate the absolute monarchy from the "elected" leader he helped to install, all in the name of democracy and freedom (and oil). The primary tactic is the have Canadian jets fly in, get fired at to reveal the anti-aircraft locations and ground defense location, and then the Americans hit them with smart bombs from a safe distance followed by a ground invasion once all the defenses are down. Somehow the "elected" leader, Hussein, stays in power. 67% of British deaths in the war are caused by Americans. Roughly 80% of American deaths are caused by Americans. Celebrities and intellectuals decry the discrepancies between American "benevolent" foreign policy and its brutal results.
Afghanistan: America, stinging from "the first attacks on American soil" (since the invasion of the Aleutians, anyway. Never mind Pearl Harbour, Polk's "attacks" by the Mexicans, and of course the Canadians burning Washington to the ground...) enlists the aid of the British, a rogue Muslim state with nuclear capability (Pakistan) that was once part of the British Empire and has been threatening war with the second most populous country on Earth, which was also part of the British Empire (India) to invade an utterly impoverished desert country that also happens to have once been British Territory. The aim of the invasion is to overthrow the American installed regime that was set up to oust the Soviets (also during Bush Sr.'s tenure with the CIA) because the Soviets and Americans don't want to take each other on directly. Bush Jr. vows to liberate the Afghani people in the name of democracy and get Bin Laden "dead or alive". To date Bin Laden has not been found, the Americans are all but gone, and Canada, Britain, France, and Germany amongst others are stuck fighting what's left of the American installed and trained anti-Soviet regime and trying to do the "rebuilding" promised by the Americans. 100% of Canadian deaths in the war are caused by Americans. Celebrities and intellectuals decry the discrepancies between American "benevolent" foreign policy and its brutal results.
Iraq: Bush Jr., himself elected in a fixed election and immediately after being in bed with the nuclear posturing Muslim state of Pakistan, despite 50 years of American presence in Korea and its nuclear posturing, oddly decides the mere possibility of the leader installed by his father maybe potentially making chemical weapons is a good excuse to invade, all in the name of "freedom and democracy". Do date the deposed leader is nowhere to be found and pockets of resistance are doing the small battles and cheap shots thing that worked so well for the Vietnamese. The war is not over and none of the primary objectives have been met. Celebrities and intellectuals decry the discrepancies between American "benevolent" foreign policy and its brutal results.
Addendum (July 17,2003): To date, since Bush Jr. declaired "major fighting over", 34 Americans have been killed by Iraqis, 49 by accident or other Americans.
It's been a while since I've made fun of the 
Tomorrow will be exactly nine months since the fire, things are still a long way from normal in the building.
Right now I am feeling a very odd wiggly sort of motion. It's been going on too long to be a truck or something passing by. I think there may be a low-magnitude rumbly-sort of Earthquake going on...?
